Why Your Child Won’t Go to Sleep
When your child won’t go to sleep, the end of the day becomes one of the hardest parts. You’ve done the routine. You’ve said goodnight. And somehow, 45 minutes later, they’re still calling out or appearing at the door. It’s exhausting, and it often feels like nothing works.
Before you try another strategy, it helps to understand what’s actually happening. Because “won’t go to sleep” covers several different situations, and the fix depends entirely on which one you’re dealing with.
They’re Not Actually Tired Yet
This is the most common and most overlooked reason. A child’s sleep needs change significantly between ages 5 and 12, and a bedtime that worked at age 6 might be too early by age 9.
Children aged 5-7 need around 10-11 hours of sleep. Children aged 8-10 need around 9-10 hours. Children aged 11-12 need around 8-9 hours. If your child is in bed at 7:30pm and genuinely not tired until 9pm, you’re fighting their biology, not their behaviour.
Try pushing bedtime 30 minutes later and see whether settling improves. Many parents find a slightly later but more consistent bedtime works better than an early bedtime with an hour of battles. The goal is a bedtime that lands when their body is actually ready for sleep.
Their Brain Is Still Activated
Sleep requires the brain to downshift from alert to calm. That transition takes time — typically 60 to 90 minutes from the point of full stimulation to being genuinely ready to sleep. If your child has been on a screen, playing energetically, or emotionally activated close to bedtime, their brain is not ready to switch off when their body gets into bed.
The most common culprit is screen use in the hour before bed. Screens deliver constant visual stimulation and suppress melatonin, the hormone that signals to the brain that it’s time to sleep. A child who stops watching a video or playing a game 20 minutes before bed is not physiologically ready to sleep, regardless of how tired they feel in their body.
Moving the screen cutoff to 60 minutes before lights out is one of the most impactful single changes a family can make. It’s also one of the most resisted, which is why it works best as a non-negotiable rule rather than a nightly negotiation.
They’re Anxious About Something
Bedtime is when the noise of the day stops and quieter worries surface. A child who has been managing stress at school, in friendships, or at home often holds it together during the day and then finds sleep difficult because their mind keeps running once the distractions are gone.
Signs that anxiety is the driver: your child asks repeated questions at bedtime, comes up with new worries each time you try to leave, complains of physical symptoms (stomach aches, headaches) that appear specifically at bedtime, or calls out or appears at the door with concerns they could have raised earlier in the day.
The response here is different from behavioural approaches. A brief, structured worry conversation before the routine starts — “let’s talk about anything that’s on your mind before we begin bedtime” — gives the worries a sanctioned space and reduces their power once the lights are out. The conversation needs a clear endpoint. Ten minutes, then we start the routine.
They’ve Learned That Staying Awake Has Rewards
For some children, being awake is associated with connection, entertainment, and engagement. Being asleep means missing things. This is particularly common in households where evenings are busy and interesting, where parents are more relaxed and available, and where the transition to sleep has historically been negotiable.
A child who knows that calling out gets a visit, that “one more question” reliably produces another few minutes of company, or that appearing at the door results in being tucked in again has learned that staying awake is worth trying. The wakefulness is being inadvertently rewarded.
The fix here is making the post-goodnight period genuinely unrewarding. Brief, warm, identical response to every appearance or call-out. No extended conversations, no extra cuddles, no interesting responses to delay tactics. The same calm, short interaction every time.
The Sleep Environment Isn’t Right
Sometimes the physical environment is the issue. A room that’s too warm, too bright, too noisy, or too different from the conditions they’ll be in when they wake makes sleep harder to initiate and harder to maintain.
The ideal sleep environment for children is cool, dark, and quiet. Blackout curtains make a significant difference, particularly in summer or for children in rooms facing east. A low-level white noise machine can help in noisy households. The room temperature should feel slightly cool, not warm.
Devices charging in the bedroom are a problem even when they’re turned off or face-down. The temptation to check them, the light from notifications, and the awareness that they’re there all interfere with the brain’s ability to settle. Charge devices in a central location outside bedrooms.
What to Say Instead of Arguing About It
The conversation at the door is where most bedtime resistance plays out — and where most parents accidentally make it worse. Long explanations, justifications, or attempts to convince your child why they need to sleep all extend the wakefulness rather than ending it. The brain that’s having a debate is the brain that isn’t winding down.
Pick a single phrase and use it every time. “It’s bedtime now. I’ll see you in the morning.” That’s it. If they ask why, you’ve already answered. If they protest, you’ve already answered. If they come up with a new reason, you’ve already answered. The phrase is the answer to all of it.
This feels harsh the first few nights. It isn’t — it’s just unfamiliar. Your child isn’t being denied connection; they’re being given a clear, predictable signal that the night is over. Predictability is what their brain actually needs at this point. Negotiation is what keeps them up.
How It Shifts With Age
The same “won’t sleep” behaviour often has different drivers at different ages. At 5 to 6, it’s usually environmental or routine — the wind-down isn’t calm enough, or the bedtime is a moving target. At 7 to 9, anxiety and screens tend to dominate — their inner world is more complex, and their access to stimulating content is usually expanding. At 10 to 12, sleep needs are shifting biologically, social pressure is showing up in evenings, and the bedtime that worked at 8 may genuinely be too early for a 12-year-old whose body is moving into a later chronotype.
Matching your approach to your child’s age saves weeks of trying interventions that were designed for a different stage.
What to Do First
Before you change everything at once, identify the most likely cause. Most families have one primary driver, not all of them simultaneously. A child who was previously a good sleeper and has recently started struggling is more likely dealing with anxiety or a change in sleep needs than with a long-standing environment problem. A child who has never settled easily probably needs a more consistent routine and a screen cutoff.
Pick the most likely cause. Make one change. Hold it consistently for two weeks. Assess what’s shifted. That methodical approach produces better results than trying multiple things at once and not knowing what worked.
Your Practical Takeaway
Tonight, look at what happens in the hour before your child’s bedtime. Is there screen use? Is it close to lights out? Is the wind-down genuinely calm? That one hour before bed has more influence on how quickly your child falls asleep than almost anything else. Make it genuinely quiet and screen-free for the next week and see what changes.
[INTERNAL LINK: Once you’ve addressed why they won’t sleep, build the structure that prevents it. Read our guide on bedtime routine for kids for the sequence that actually works.]